Aaargh! On being ignored at work

Usually, I tend to only post when I’m stressed or at some transitional or difficult period in my life. That’s probably a very foreboding sentence…

But I’ll regale you with the good news first: I’m starting a new position at the end of this August at a startup as Creative Director (I love saying that because it makes me feel Big and Important, although technically I’ll be the only creative person on the team so I’m pretty much Director/Designer/Intern/Monkey Typing on a Keyboard all in one). Yesssss! I’m excited.

Now, what’s gotten me so down: My current work predicament. As diplomatically as possible, let’s just say a sinkhole could open up and swallow my workspace and me along with it, and no one would bat an eye. Hyperbolic? Melodramatic? Accurate? Yes, yes, and yes. To butcher Oscar Wilde completely:

There is only one thing worse than being treated badly; and that is not to be treated at all.

There’s nothing crueller than to be ignored, especially at work – where you’re going to have to work with others, sometimes very closely, and you spend a third of your day or more at. Ignoring someone seems socially preferable to direct confrontation or hostility, but according to research by the University of British Columbia, it’s actually much more damaging. UBC Professor Sandra Robinson says that this is because the ignored party feels “helpless, like they’re not worthy of any attention at all”.

Usually, it’s subtle and insidious enough that others don’t notice.

Examples of being ignored at work can include:

• Being excluded out of an email thread,
• Being bypassed an offer to share an opinion or even food at a meeting,
• To heck, the simple act of saying “good morning” and “see you tomorrow” being met with stone-cold silence and nary a wave or nod of the head (this one really stings, because it happens to me twice a day).

Accurate representation of me at work, sad star balloon included.

I’m not writing this to offer solutions or advice; I myself have no idea what to do, and I’m aware I’m dealing with this situation badly. It’s hard to know how to deal with something when half the time, you’re wondering if there even is a problem, or whether you’ve just convinced yourself you’re crazy and oversensitive. I should probably be more upfront (oh God, can you imagine me saying “Hey guys, I feel I’ve been left out of the loop lately, what’s up with that?” and being met with a roll of the eyes and a smirk? Because that’s happened before, and I still remember the feeling of my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. I’ll be very happy never to relive that again).

“Is it my personality? It must be, why else would this be happening? Why can’t they just tell me so I know what I can do better?” has been a constant running monologue in my head these past few months.

But I do understand how difficult it is to tell someone, especially a coworker that you’re not particularly close to: “Hey, I don’t think the way you’re doing this works”, or “Prapim, the other day when you did this, it made me feel upset.” That’s the part where I feel I have to play more of an active role; I can’t make it someone else’s responsibility to point out and correct my shortcomings.

Perhaps, though, if it’s at the point where coworkers lack even the courtesy to simply nod when I say “bye, see you tomorrow!”, this is a problem bigger than just me; maybe it’s the workplace culture that doesn’t nip these behaviours in the bud; maybe it’s a deadly combination of incompatible personalities and a small work environment (we’re an office of literally 5 people); or maybe that’s just wishful thinking, and I’m looking to exonerate myself, when it’s simply the fact that and I’m not likeable enough to the point that even looking at me triggers extreme resentment. I just don’t know.

So what’s the lesson here?

The only mantra that’s helping me to get through each painful day is that while I can’t control how others treat me, I can control how I react to the situation. That’s easier said than done! I can’t count how many times I’ve left work almost in tears.

My only consolation is that there is light at the end of this hallway, and it leads to a door that opens to better opportunities. I’ll take this as a learning opportunity to be more careful about my actions and to be more perceptive of how others see me, and to be more sensitive to others’ needs in the future. It won’t completely eradicate the possibility of this happening again, but hey, knowing is half the power, right? And the knowledge that I need to be a better colleague will definitely help to foster better working relationships in the future.

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This is the first in a series of blog posts by aspiring Cat Wrangler Prapim C. I’ll post about work troubles, cultural observations, and whatever else catches my attention.